“The greatest punishment in life is regret.” Through the above Jing Si Aphorism, Xu Zhi Sheng’s illustrates his regret at not being able to engage in acts of filial piety before his mother’s passing. (Photo by Yu Zheng Hui)
“If time can reverse its flow, what I really want to do is to apologise to mom, and say sorry for all my actions in the past.”
Xu still remembers and feels regret over how he once kicked his late mother’s shoulder in a rash fit. All he can do now is to play his part well in the musical and advocate filial piety, thus fulfilling his mother’s last wish.
Xu, who is now studying at the mathematics faculty of the Nanyang Technological University (NTU), is the second male lead in “The Profound Parental Love” musical put up by Singapore Tzu Chings (Tzu Chi Collegiate Youth Association). The presentation has as its foundation, the teachings of the “Sutra of Profound Gratitude Towards Parents.”The production incorporated music, sign language and short skits and had its public performance over two days from 20 - 21 September 2014 at the NTU.
In the production, Xu played a rebellious child who falls into bad company. He is caught for flouting the law and sent to jail. While serving time, the child finally realizes how much his parents care for him and turns over a new leaf when he is released. To breathe life into the role, Xu looked to his own past for inspiration.
The Capricious Days of Freedom-Seeking Youth
Xu’s father was always busy with their family-run confectionary business and since young, he would see very little of his father. Seeing how his father left all the household matters to the sole care of his mother, Xu felt resentful and even once entertained the thought of disowning his own father.
As his father himself used to help out his grandfather in the family business when he was a boy, Xu was expected to do the same. However, reluctant to help and thus slipshod in his attempts, Xu was often scolded by his impatient father. “The unhappiness I harboured against him deepened further. The only happy moment was when my birthday came up, and father would bake a cake for me,”recounted Xu.
Coming from family circumstances that was not exactly wealthy, Xu felt then that his family could not give him the love and material comforts he sought, and this marked the start of his rebellion years. He rebelled not because he wanted attention; rather, he wanted more freedom to do things that were different from what others were doing. Not wanting his freedom curbed, he did not communicate much with his parents. The rift between them deepened even as Xu grew even closer to his friends.
From the time he was in secondary two, Xu would often be late for school and would resort to scaling the walls to sneak in. He also started returning home late and spend his time trawling the game arcades with friends. Once, he even left the venue without paying and took a taxi home. Seeing his mother waiting up for him, the thoughtless Xu brushed her aside with careless replies before heading to bed.
As he recounted the past events, Xu described himself as a person who was easily swayed by circumstances and would always do as his friends did. It was this character trait of Xu, and the desire to enjoy uncurtailed freedom that resulted in him picking up unsavoury habits. Though his mother tried countless ways to introduce the Buddhist teachings to him and coax him into attending ethics classes, the harder she tried, the more he yearned for freedom and thus engage in activities without her knowing.
An Error Brings a Lifetime of Pain
When Xu was in the second year of junior college, the family was hard hit by news that his mother was seriously ill.
That year, Xu’s mother went on a pilgrimage to India with her friends. Upon her return, she fell ill with a virus. What should have been a minor ailment took a turn for the worse. As Xu’s mother had received chemotherapy treatment for cancer 13 years ago, her immunity was weaker as compared to a normal person. Though Xu was by her side to see to her needs, his heart was not really focused on taking good care of her.
“Maybe I was too young then; I did not try to understand the pain she was suffering from……many times I only did what I had to do—that is, my mindset was:‘If you need to take your medication, fine, I will help you. After that, I will do what I want to do and (you) don’t bother me further.”
In the course of caring for his mother, resentment was always present in his heart. He blamed his mother for going to India and questioned why it had to be him that had to shoulder the burden of caring for her. At that age, Xu would take on casual jobs and did not have to ask for pocket money from his parents. However, because of his mother’s condition, he gave up the opportunity to work during the term break and that resulted in more frustration for him.
In the later stages of her illness, his mother’s mental condition deteriorated and she would sometimes make requests that were totally unexpected. In Xu’s memory, there is one particular instance that stands out the most. That day, his mother made an unreasonable request and Xu, who was already feeling troubled, kicked his mother’s shoulder.
“In that moment, I saw a flash of anguish in her eyes, it seem to be mingled with some hate and yet the pain (she felt) was very clear; it was an expression of deep sadness.” The look in his mother’s eye caused Xu to regret his action immediately, yet for the sake of his pride he could not bring himself to apologise.
“The next day, mother hugged me and kept apologising for my pain in shouldering this (responsibility). I knew that she never blamed me, yet till the day she passed away, I did not tell her I was sorry; I never even apologised to her once……”Xu said with much sadness now.
The love of parents is always forgiving no matter how wilfully rebellious their children are. Every year when it came to Xu’s birthday, his mother would personally whip up some special confections for the celebration. That year, though her movements were hampered by the severity of the illness, his mother woke up early to prepare a special hamburger meal for him.
Not knowing that it was the last time that he would be celebrating his birthday with his mother, Xu did not express any appreciation for her efforts even though he felt pleased. Thinking back, he now realizes that while he had not thought to express his thanks even up till the day of her passing, that particular birthday of his was indeed an extremely special one.
Transforming Regret into Action
At his mother’s funeral, Xu got to know Tzu Chi Commissioner Ni Shan Qin who was a friend of his mother. Through her, Xu signed up as a Tzu Ching and started becoming involved in charity work and volunteer sharing sessions. He even took on the responsibility as the Tzu Ching representative of his polytechnic. As he took on the role in the stage production and attended the study sessions, he gradually understood the teachings contained within the “Sutra of Profound Gratitude Towards Parents.”
“Filial piety must come willingly from within our hearts. We can start with very small actions that are usually neglected when we go about our daily life. If it is within our ability to do so, we should do them well from now on.” Over the few months, Xu gradually understood that just actions alone do not constitute filial piety, one must incorporate the right mindset to accompany one’s actions.
Xu shares a realization of his that the concept of “great filial piety”is expressed in one being able to view all beings as one’s very own parents or the Buddha himself. That is to say, one views every being with an equal mindset and does not discriminate against any particular one, regardless of their background. Even if it is towards just a tiny ant, we should have the same mindset and the same broadness of heart, only then can we live out the spirit of “great filial piety.”
Before his mother passed away, Xu promised her that he would take good care of his father and himself. After her passing, he channelled his feelings for his mother towards his father and tried to spend more time in interacting and communicating with his father. Xu no longer quarrelled with him and would often joke, watch television and enjoy breakfast together with him. He would share what happened in school with his father and even helped him to apply medicine on his skin when a sensitive reaction occured.
During the period that his mother suffered from cancer, she relied on dietary therapies to control her condition and would share her knowledge with others. Xu regrets that he had not thought to learn from her in order to benefit others with this knowledge as well. As a result of his mother’s influence, Xu has decided that he wants to help cancer patients too and has made this his life’s direction.
During the preparatory period of the production, rehearsals were as frequent as three times every week but Xu took the opportunity to enrol for a class in palliative care as it was the term holidays. In addition, Xu would visit his aunty who was suffering from breast cancer at least once every week to chat with her and help to give her a massage. Once, when her condition worsened, Xu did not sleep w wink as he stayed by her bedside the whole night but still managed to attend the dress rehearsal as per normal the next day.
Chen Zhao Yun, who plays Xu’s father in the production says that Xu is very serious in what he does and even took the initiative to teach him and his wife, who plays the role of Xu’s mother, how to immerse themselves into their roles. Both of them are very fond of Xu and noticing that he has a gastric problem recently, would prepare some food for his dinner before every rehearsal.
Xu has a letter with him which has no forwarding address. In it, he penned every word that he wished to say to his late Mother. This letter serves as a constant reminder to him and before every performance, he reads it to settle his heart. Xu wishes he could tell is mother: “I hope to spread the philosophy of filial piety and to show others my love for you through the staging of the production, that I may inspire others to be filial and not to live with regrets. I wish to dedicate the merits of my efforts to you, so that wherever you are, you may have the opportunity be in contact with the Dharma. One day, we will be able to meet again and I wish to express my thanks to you.”
For Xu, the chance to be in a Dharma production was not only an opportunity to fulfil a promise to his mother, but also an avenue through which he could deeply realize the true concept of filial piety.
In the Profound Parental Love” production, Chen Zhao Yun and Wang Mei Juan play the parents of Xu. They feel that he is very serious about what he does and will take the initiative to explain to them how to get into their roles. (Photo by Alvin Tan)
In the production, Xu plays a rebellious child who falls into bad company. He is caught for flouting the law and sent to jail. (Photo by Zhou Zheng Hao)
Xu makes the best of his opportunity to engage in Tzu Ching activities which includes participating in study sessions and engaging in charity undertakings. (Photo by Zhou Zheng Hao)
Xu’s eldest, second and youngest sisters (right to left) attended the opening of “The Profound Parental Love” presentation to support their brother. (Photo by Zhou Zheng Hao)
Xu (standing) shares during the study session that filial piety is not just expressed through action but also requires one to incorporate the right mindset. (Photo by Cai Yue Guo)
Xu (front row, first from left) was introduced into Tzu Ching by his mother’s friend. Now he not only dons the Tzu Ching uniform, he has even taken on the responsibility as the contact representative of his polytechnic. (Photo by Alvin Tan)
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